Being Alone

I think it was sometime during high school that I considered myself independently minded. I was a self proclaimed feminist and a lover of creativity. I worked hard at keeping myself separate from my friends. I spent a lot of time journaling and taking walks in the woods. But, somewhere in there I wasn't being independent, I was just lonely. Then I went off to college, where my roommate was a social butterfly and introduced me to many of the people I am still in touch with to this very day. I was around friends almost every waking minute during those first few months of school. I didn't want to look back at those lonelier days. I was happy being busy and amongst great people. I can remember all of us just sitting around countless numbers of times, just talking, laughing, wasting the day away.

Now, several years later, I live with my sister. I don't know how to be alone anymore. I practically follow her from room to room. When we are not together, I worry that something is wrong. I can't occupy myself. I have lost some of my creative energy because I haven't utilized that part of my personality. I am ashamed of this fact.

So, when is it enough, when do you know you need to change. I guess now that I have written this, I am facing the facts. Baby steps to regaining my independence. Taking time in each day to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, to create, to meditate, to believe in myself again.

A busy weekend, it is not.

I had planned on it being one of those well balanced weekends, full of socializing, a little down time, and some much needed organizational time. However, it now appears to be just about down time and organizing. Although I am not motivated enough to make it about organizing. I have a million and one things to sort, clean, busy myself with and yet I can't even get off the couch to make lunch.

I am so sick of winter and of this feeling. The blah that seems to set in every year around this time. I try to prepare myself, but it sneaks in and then sort of paralyzes me. I loose all focus and direction. I wonder if this would happen to me regardless of where I was living. Even on a tropical island, would there be a "nothing time"? I don't think I will ever really explore this, I'm not a tropical kind of girl.

Purple Plastic Bags!

Each week the local paper feels it is necessary to give out complimentary newspapers to all of th th surrounding towns. This seemingly nice gesture has several setbacks. First off they are only giving you two pages out of the entire paper. Secondly, they throw them upon the lawn in such a way that they are practically impossible to get at, i.e a puddle. And thirdly they scatter the roads and lawns because frankly, people don't care about reading them or even picking them up. They come in, you guessed it purple plastic bags. Which I feel could be put to better use holding dog feces. Anyway that is my feelings on the subject of the "free" paper.

I'm Back!

I thought this would be a good way for me to look back at where I was three years ago and feel a sense of accomplishment for where I am now. I have mixed emotions about it. I thought it would be amazing to be one of those people who "float", they live for the here and now, they travel, learn new things all the time, meet exotic people, etc. As it turns out I don't even think I could be one of those people. It freaks me out, not having a plan, a routine, living somewhat in a bubble. So, three years later, I am back in a bubble, much like the one I left. The difference today is that I have a career.

To the people that I talked to almost everyday my job sounds like whining kids, milk spills, pee accidents, putting up scribble masterpieces, but in the bigger sense, I love my job. It's about connections; watching them find connections, them connecting with you, you to them, all of us to the world. Sometimes, I just stop and think about these children becoming the future, and it makes me proud. It sounds totally corny, but it's why I am doing it.