Womanifesto

A husband and babies will not make me a better woman! I need to believe this with my whole heart. We aspire to be so much in such a short time on this Earth. I just want to feel grateful. I just want to be the beautiful, capable, smart, creative, fun, lovable woman that I know is in there somewhere!

Post Christmas Ponderings

I keep love (romantic love) at a distance. I put family, friendships, work, and hobbies as my top priorities. Which leaves me..well, single. This has nothing to do with the holidays, and yet everything to do with them. During the holiday season, everyone is forced to view their own lives under the microscope that they feel everyone else is already viewing. What makes me so unique? Or what makes me so afraid? My younger sister and I live together, as I have said before. We have our ups and downs, but we see life in very much the same way. We are fine with being alone (most of the time). Out of three children that my parents raised, there is only one in a relationship. From what I know of this relationship, it isn't one to envy. But that is the problem, not many of them are worth envying. I have been waiting a long time for love. So long in fact that now I am not sure it is even real. How horrible is that?
I don't want to say that I am lonely. It isn't really about that. The little time I have to myself, I quite enjoy. I'm not looking to cater to someone else's needs or worry about their likes and dislikes. I am not even a huge fan of intimacy in general. So, what is it about love? It's that empty feeling. Here I am with all this love, and I can't just use it up. It's not like extra food, energy, or money. I can't eat, run it off, or spend it. I need a direction to throw it at. For a long time, I thought this was about a baby. I thought if I had a baby, I could give it all that I had. Now, it feels different. I'm not sure why. I go through intense phases; "projects", I call them. This is an attempt to pour the love into something. They can last for months at a time. In the midst of them, I am happy, busy, almost satisfied. Eventually, the intensity wears off, I get distracted, or bored and the project is put on hold. Sometimes it stays right where I left it, unfinished and sad.
I am just coming off of one of these projects. This time I saw it to completion. But, finished or not, I am forced to return to this state of emptiness. The question is..do I find a new project or change my strategy?

Healing Center

A new opportunity has come about in recent talks with a coworker. I am curious about it, but also scared of it's newness. She is opening up a healing center with another friend. She would like me to think about ways that I can contribute. It will only be open weekends and week day evenings to start. She asked me about my interests and talents and whether I would consider turning any of it into a class for adults. I am a preschool teacher and I have some anxiety talking in front of a room full of adults. I love the idea of teaching peace and coming up with new ways to address emotional issues with children. I am currently teaching my class yoga and breathing exercises as a way to calm themselves down. I would love to compile enough activities, materials, and information to make a program that I can teach to other educators. That could take years. And that would be ok, but I don't know where to begin. I am hoping that there is a move or a step that I am overlooking here. So, that when I find it I will officially be on the path with a new perspective.

Perspective

I found myself getting worked up about my commute home today. It was the first pretty cold night and it was raining fairly hard. I had a twenty minute walk followed by waiting for a good twenty to thirty minutes, followed by another twenty or so minutes on the bus ahead of me. So, I was less than excited when my sister/roommate was not available to pick me up. But, this is the natural consequence in having to rely on other people. Anyway, the walk was removed from the to do list due to a coworker's offer to give me a ride to the bus. But, this only meant that I would have a longer wait at the actual stop.
I got out of her car and attempted to find a dry place to "lean" for the next half hour. Ten minutes later I booked it to Starbucks for a pumpkin latte. Hot drink now in hand, I headed back out to face the rain. When I got their a seat had opened up on a bench in a roofed enclosure. I sat down and slowly sipped my latte, hoping that I could imagine the bus would be there any second.
Enter the wet, cold, and hopeless couple. They had also taken shelter; the girl sitting while the man stood in front of her. They were discussing their travel plans. Apparently they were in need of a place to sleep. So, he got on the phone to a friend to make arrangements. I had come to the conclusion that they were visiting from out of town. He finishes the call to confirm that, yes, we can stay with them. Then a girl approaches that they are acquaintances with. She asks "will you be sleeping outside tonight?" I was shocked! Sleeping outside, why would she ask that unless it was a necessary option. They said no and informed her that they had found a place for the night and asked her if she would be. She said "Yeah...". That was it. It was what it was and everyone, but me moved on.
Here I was complaining (in my head) about my commute home, when some people were having to figure out where they were going to sleep. Huge reality check. From that minute on, I considered it a gift that I was waiting for a bus to take me "home".

Choose your own...reaction?

You may or may not be familiar with choose your own adventure books. I remember taking them out of our school library in elementary school. In the books they would set up a scene, get you acquainted with the character, who was the narrator (I think). Then there was a problem a few pages in. There would be a list of options and then a page number would follow. Thus you would decide the fate of the main character.
It is about time that I saw myself as the main character of my life.  I need to know that not only do the big decisions count, but each small step has the power to change the course of my life. In this case I am referring to my interactions with those around me. We are challenged each and every day to come up with ways to hold the difficult people in our lives, dear. So, how is this going to change? How am I going to get better at reacting to others?
Maybe the answer is a non reaction. People try to bring us into their drama, their problems, their negative energy. What if we pulled ourselves away and just had the guts to say to people, "This 'stuff' that your talking about, is not mine, I don't want to carry that weight along with my own". Why don't we say this? Because we have been told that good friends, good co-workers are supposed to "take it". How can we walk away gracefully, without guilt, and without personal satisfaction? When you help a friend, a part of you knows you did a good thing and we internalize that satisfaction. We are not glad our friend suffers, but we look for opportunities to feel good about helping. So, How can we just know we are good and move on. Just believe and not need others to validate it?

Out with the old, or just unwanted

My room is fairly simple. If I wanted to, I could probably occupy a much smaller space. I don't really hang out in it, it is more just for sleeping. Every now and then I attempt to widen its uses. I brought in a small table to do art at and an easel. I used it for a weekend, since then it is a dumping ground for things that probably shouldn't even be in my house (papers and miscellaneous junk) I have one book shelf that I try to purge every now and then of books that I feel need to be passed on instead of collecting dust. I am not a collector. I get that from my Grandma. She is always throwing things out. It drives my Mom crazy. Majority of the time my room is strewn with clothing from throughout the week. It appears messy, but would only take a few minutes to be sorted through and cleaned up. I like it this way. I wish the whole house could be as simple as my room. Where does all the stuff come from? Some of it are gifts that you end up feeling guilty getting rid of, but most of it we have justified keeping for other reasons.
Our friend had a baby 11 months ago. Because he spends almost half of his life here, we have baby stuff. So, that justifies a good pile of items right there. That's not to say it is our friend's fault, we told her we wanted it.
We have camping equipment, holiday decorations, exercise equipment, crafting supplies, old furniture, extra dishes, etc. It's a good thing we have a basement, or is it? I realize most people have these possessions, and so it may seem silly to be complaining. But...there is not get up and just leave in our future. It would take weeks just to sort it and pack it all. Even if I don't plan on moving any time soon, I still like the feeling that it could be an easier process, so I go on one of my "do we really need this" kicks.

energy flow

Today was a great day! It made sense. There was the occasional wrong turn, or minor hiccup, but all in all, it was a great day! Woke up at six to jog...in the rain. Went to work. Taught my kids their first yoga lesson and read them the first chapter of Fantastic Mr. Fox. They played great together; it was nice to just observe them.
Then I came home... My sister has a little trouble with her anger. If she is upset or angry she bottles, with the exception of me. I am where she directs this anger, even if I had nothing to do with its cause. She just boils over at me if I ask too many questions, or the wrong questions, or if I make a mistake in her presence. She just looses it. Then, I become the wounded dog, who is forced to take it. If I create an argument out of it I'm doomed. So, I am thus, venting on a blog. My good energy of the day has been washed down the drain. I must now work extra hard to gain the good energy back before the day is out. What is wrong with this picture? Everything.

...it's about all the stuff

Just watched "No Impact Man". For those of you unfamiliar with this title, it is a documentary about a man and his family attempting to live for a year with little to no negative environmental impact. They cannot consume anything that is not for survivals sake. It even goes so far as no electricity and no toilet paper. The biggest idea that I took from this film is that everyone can consume less. It really made me think about all of the "stuff" that surrounds us. I have been stuck on this thought a lot lately. I just don't want to feel that I "need" so much. It's very hard to gain distance from this concept. Needing, wanting, buying, collecting, it's become a part of life. Even when it isn't our birthdays or a holiday; we reward ourselves. "It's Tuesday, I deserve a new skirt". I want to feel the satisfaction of the simpler pleasures in life without feeling like I am missing out. As a society, we don't do well with the idea of depriving ourselves. It is seen as completely negative to go without. This needs to change. We need to begin to idolize people like the man and his family in this film. They, not only survived on much less, they thrived. I don't want to fill in the details because I would like people to see it for themselves. It was/is an inspiration to me. I am hoping to document my spending and consuming and try harder to make better choices in general about the "stuff" I bring home.