I keep love (romantic love) at a distance. I put family, friendships, work, and hobbies as my top priorities. Which leaves me..well, single. This has nothing to do with the holidays, and yet everything to do with them. During the holiday season, everyone is forced to view their own lives under the microscope that they feel everyone else is already viewing. What makes me so unique? Or what makes me so afraid? My younger sister and I live together, as I have said before. We have our ups and downs, but we see life in very much the same way. We are fine with being alone (most of the time). Out of three children that my parents raised, there is only one in a relationship. From what I know of this relationship, it isn't one to envy. But that is the problem, not many of them are worth envying. I have been waiting a long time for love. So long in fact that now I am not sure it is even real. How horrible is that?
I don't want to say that I am lonely. It isn't really about that. The little time I have to myself, I quite enjoy. I'm not looking to cater to someone else's needs or worry about their likes and dislikes. I am not even a huge fan of intimacy in general. So, what is it about love? It's that empty feeling. Here I am with all this love, and I can't just use it up. It's not like extra food, energy, or money. I can't eat, run it off, or spend it. I need a direction to throw it at. For a long time, I thought this was about a baby. I thought if I had a baby, I could give it all that I had. Now, it feels different. I'm not sure why. I go through intense phases; "projects", I call them. This is an attempt to pour the love into something. They can last for months at a time. In the midst of them, I am happy, busy, almost satisfied. Eventually, the intensity wears off, I get distracted, or bored and the project is put on hold. Sometimes it stays right where I left it, unfinished and sad.
I am just coming off of one of these projects. This time I saw it to completion. But, finished or not, I am forced to return to this state of emptiness. The question is..do I find a new project or change my strategy?
No comments:
Post a Comment