was it a mistake

I am back to the blog after many intense weeks. The intensity continues, but I thought I would atleast drop a line in reference to it.
I am in Maryland again with my sister. Aparently money wasn't going to just land in my lap out in San Diego. So, here I am no money, no job, no decisions made. The only thing that is certian is a plane ride to MA on the 16th. But the MA situation isn't great. My parents' houses are small and already pretty full, and my Grandmother's house was just vacated by Kate a month or so ago. I doin't think my Grandma is anxious to have any more unemployed slacker types roaming her house.
I am trying to figure out why staying anywhere near there is a good idea. It is going to be challenging to find work, especially the kind I can get to. But I did want a change. I did all this so I could experience something new. I am not ready to turn back to Vermont with my tail dragging.
My newest search takes me to nature. I want to work with my hands. I want to take a break from all of the stress of person to person interaction and I just want me and the land. Wait....I mean, working with people can be pretty great, but I want the focus of the job to be on the land. I want to see what direction a job like that can take me in.

Did someone say nanny?

Well, as usual I slip so easily into my role as babysitter. Since last thursday night I have been accompanying three teenagers to the pool, the movies, the mall, and the park. There is areason for this I know, but I still find myself wondering, why does this always happen? I love kids. I love their energy, their creativity, their view of the world, however it derails me from my own thoughts and ambitions. I am not a parent, that is how I was able to take a trip like this. I am not up for the role of cooking for four, cleaning the bathroom eighty times a day, escorting rowdy teens to the mall. The selfish part of me wants to just breathe in the fresh air a bit, and take time to really enjoy a meal. I have been flung into this situation and just like all of the people whom I love and admire I can't say no. I can't just walk away when a freind is in need. And as for right now I have to cut this short so that I can take them to the pool. argh!

Felicity Marathon

So, I know I'm in a new place and I should be doing new stuff, but when a box came in the mail containing the last episodes of Felicity ever. I couldn't help myself. I had benn holding out on watching them for a long time. I couldn't wait any longer.
The show took a bizzar twist for the last few episodes and although I wasn't thrilled with the way the story was woven I was happy with the ending. Now, I know that I can get a little wrapped up in the drama of it all, I guess that's the point. I had a hard time not overanalyzing stuff later that day. It seemed like I couldn't just sit back and enjoy what little was left of the afternoon without thinking about the past I felt so far from, or the uncertain future that lay ahead. I was stuck. In my conversations with people lately I have been talking about the opportunity to explore uncharted territory in my life. At the same time I have been thinking a lot about comfort. Most of the time I just want to be comfortable. I want to experience new places and new people, I just wish I could do both.
When I left Burlington, my intention was not to allienate myself from all that I knew. I was looking for a change to get me out of a slump. I wanted to gain a new perspective. I'm not ready to go back, however I want the Vermont good feelings with me so I can take them wherever I go. That energy can be found almost anywhere, it is finding it that is the hard part.

Should I stay or should I go now...................

Just Hangin' Out

This past weekend was the pride festival here in San Diego. I attended the pride parade in Hillcrest. The parade includes techno, bright colors, drag queens, feathers, sports cars....well you get the picture. We got all kinds of stuff thrown at us ; stickers, condoms, lotions, coupons, lollipops, flavor ice. It was a good time. After the parade we ate lunch at an Afghanistani restaraunt. I had this really good eggplant and mixed vegetable dish with rice and a mango lassi. Then we went to Ocean Beach. The OB is my favorite little section of San Diego. It seems like that's where the real people live. It is full of young people, and old hippies. It is kind of dirty around the edges. I like the idea that it isn't this perfect little ocean side retreat. It has its faults and it doesn't hide them. Faithe and I jumped in the waves and got totally soaked which we hadn't planned on doing fully clothed.
On Sunday I went to the farmers market, also in Hillcrest. It is a great market. There are so many fruit and veggetable stands, live music, prepared foods, jewlery, clothing, wood carvings, and other great stuff. Plus, while you are there people are always handing out samples of their food. I had this amazing nectarine that literally melted in my mouth. I didn't leave without buying some of those.
For the first time since I got here I had some time to think about what I should do next. I know that I can stay here for a while and that is good, but I know that I will want to check out other places. This is a good vacation spot, I'm just not sure if it is a "I live here" spot. A nice location for pondering life's little questions is Balboa park. I sat in the grass and sketched the buildings and trees. My hand was a little rusty so it took me a while to get into it, but there is much to see and much to sketch. I will most likely have more opportunities for that.

San Diego: hot stuff!

I have packed enough in the last five days to make it feel more like two weeks. So far, I have been to the San Diego zoo, sea world, sunset cliffs for a picnic dinner, La Jolla coves, shopping and eatin lots of good food. There are amazing restaraunts around every corner. Faithe and I shopped at the outdoor mall yesterday (apparently all the malls here are outside). The weather is perfect all the time. I am really enjoying the low humidity, although I sometimes forget that the sun is just as strong. My face has that sun glow look to it, otherwise known as sunburn.

It is nice to hang out with Faithe and Judith again. It reminds me of Burlington, and all of the great times we had there too. Soon, Faithe's VT friends will be here for a twenty day visit. I will be in a teenie bop world. AAAHHHHH!

My favorite thing about this trip thus far has been walking along the pathway on the shore and getting splashed by a giant wave. I also really enjoyed our sunset picnic. We had salads with pears, dreid cherries, lettuce, tomatoes, almonds, and gorganzola cheese, and merlot, brie and baguette, and berry spritzers. It was a feast.

I am looking forward to walking around Balboa park and going to a giant flea market called the swap meet.

Oh, and just to make sure that I don't leave this out. Faithe rocks!

Cape Cod

Seven people bound for Orleans, MA left Washington D.C on a sunny day at the end of June. It was a long, exhausted 12 hour journey to the final destination. We were cramped, restless, hungry, and excited about what lay ahead. At times there was a lot going on; traffic jam, fireworks display, a movie playing on the portable DVD player, and phone conversations. At other times it was my sister driving, lots of people sleeping, and me awake in the back, squished amongst sleeping kids. At around 3 AM we made it! I think we woke up all of the guests as we charged for the rooms and went to bed.
The week was a lot of fun. We went boogie boarding, shopped at the flea market, cruised around P-Town, played a lot of golf toss, saw more fireworks, went to the national seashore museum, and played many card games. There were also moments of truth that didn't feel so great.
I saw my niece be ostracised by her own Dad, I saw a family somewhat divided, I saw an unhealthy relationship between a father and his son. I wish I could change these things, but it will take more than me opening my mouth. Tony is a good person, but he treats his children unfairly. While Sydney gets the world from him, Ian is getting made fun of by him, Brooke is being ignored and Mason is everything to him. It is very obvious and it makes the rest of us uncomfortable. I told mt sister how I felt. My Mom called Liz a few days after we returned from the Cape. She said that my sister was an amazing woman and she deserved to be treated like one. She said that she liked Tony, but that things needed to change. He needs to be more a part of the parenting. He needs to show himself more. Liz agreed and she talked to Tony about some of her concerns. That was a few days ago, and already, he is taking Ian out fishing, as I type this. So, we will see.
I am hopeful about the kind of father Tony wants to be and the type of family he wants to be a part of. I think he wants to make changes and that he doesn't want to loose my sister.
On another note, I continue to roam about the states. I returned here to MD for a few days, before heading out to San Diego on Sunday. Liz is taking me out to dinner for my b-day tonight. Tomorrow we are going to see the Orioles play the White Sox. I head out Sunday, closing the family portion of this journey for a bit, and opening up the friends and more portion. I feel like I am just floating*

Berry pickin'

Today we took a trip to a farm about a half hour from Millersville. We picked strawberries and blueberries. It was a good old time. I have to remind myself that as much as I feel like I am in a concrete jungle there is nature here too. It might take a bit longer to get to, but it is here. We also went swimming. There is a pool at the apartment complex. We had a scare when Mason fell in and was under for about 7 seconds. He came up coughing and very scared but all is well.

I am experiencing one major challenge thus far. I know that to have parenting strategies it would make sense that you would need to be a parent already, however my strategies that I may one day use are very different from my sister's. She puts great demands on the people around her. She has high expectations of her children. There is a certain manner in which she runs her house that I see as being stress causing, rather than stress relieving. However, I feel it is not my place to say anything, so I mostly stay out of the way and just try to be as helpful as possible. After all, that is why I am here, not to be a burden, but to lend a hand.

Having time to settle in and come to the realization that I live, wherever I may be, I am beginning to miss all that I knew. Life is going to be interesting with this new found detachment from the familiar. I know that I will get down, but mostly I look forward to all the great things that are on the wings.

merry in maryland

Week One
I arrived here about a week ago. Since then I have been hangin out with my sister and her gang. We spent a day in D.C yesterday. We toured some of the Smithsonian and the gardens. We also toured the job site where my sister works. It is a 13 story building that will be used for offices. We wore hard hats and went to the top level to view the skyline. It is neat to see construction of such a large scale up that close. But I did feel saddened by the enormity of the space it took up and the fact that most of it was being built for an unknown purpose. I am torn because I feel proud of my sister for all of her accomplishments and her involvement in the production, and at the same time I have trouble being excited for the out coming result.
I have finished the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. It was incredible. I highly recommend this philosophic journey of teacher and student. It took a little getting used to, but I felt connected with the characters need for answers in this crazy world of questions.